I’ll never forget the day we met. Atlanta. 1970. Bell bottoms, peace symbols, and shoulder-length hair were the rage. Now, forty-two years later, what I still remember most about that first encounter are those emerald-green eyes; that witty, devil-may-care abandon; that fun-loving, flexible and spur-of-the-moment zest for life. It’s interesting how, after only seven years (Don’t let anyone tell you there’s no such thing as the seven-year itch!) that carefree, playful, free spirit I had met suddenly morphed into an unpredictable, disorganized, irresponsible, and messy slob! Okay, so I’m exaggerating. But there’s a point.

Stress and the Flipside of the Coin

  If you’re like me, you were swept off your feet when you first met the love of your life. You swooned. Your heart leaped. And your beloved’s virtues stood out from the vices. Then, after a while into the relationship, you start to see the flipside of the coin: all the vices that bug you. Maybe you think to yourself, “Boy, has she changed” or “He’s not the same man I used to know.” But the truth is that she hasn’t changed, and yes, he’s exactly the same man. You’re just starting to see the other side. The things that cause stress in your intimate relationship are often the flipside of the things that originally attracted you. Think about it this way: Virtues contain vices. Strength contains willfulness; stability contains control; spontaneity contains abandon. You’re getting a package deal. When virtues get carried to excess, you get vices, hence conflict.      

Are You a Rock or Bird?

  If you were to interview my partner, here’s how I would’ve looked at our first encounter: “in charge, stable, organized, solid, serious.” And here’s how I would’ve looked after seven years together: “controlling, rigid, inflexible, workaholic.” Here’s why: In most intimate relationships one party is a rock and one is a bird. Rocks are closed books; they play their hands close to their chests, keep their feet firmly planted on the ground, are organized, logical, unemotional, and usually have things under control. Birds are open books; they show their cards. They could care less about order and organization. They are more emotional, playful, spontaneous, flexible, and flow with the moment. They are often more creative and intuitive than rocks. These differences can be sources of major conflict and stress, but they don’t have to be.    

A Match Made in Heaven? Seriously?

  A match made in Heaven? I can see you rolling your eyes. And, no, I’m not on crack. My long-term relationship is proof of that. The truth is that one style is not better or more right than the other. Both the bird and rock play important roles in a relationship. The rock provides stability and the bird provides levity–both of which are necessary ingredients for a balanced match. Two rocks would sink from the intensity and two birds would fly off into the wild blue yonder with nobody taking care of business. So believe it or not, the rock and bird are a union made in Heaven if…

1. If you’re willing to see some value in your partner’s style–instead of thinking your way is right or better–you’ll notice a difference in the tension between you.

2. If you’re willing to look for the virtues contained in your partner’s vices–and to round out yourself by incorporating some of those virtues into yourself, you’ll make a big step to stress-proofing your relationship.

   

Think of Your Partner as Your “Tor-Mentor”

  Ah, your partner is your teacher, and you can learn a lot about yourself from this “tor-mentor.” I’m much more lighthearted and flexible than I used to be. And my partner is much more organized and responsible. I challenge you to look at your mate differently today. Here’s how to find your mirror message and what to do with it:

1. Identify who’s the rock and bird in your intimate relationship.

2. Make a list of your partner’s polar opposites (his or her “vices”) that “bug” you.

3. Extract the positive qualities or virtues contained in each vice on your list and write them beside each of the vices. For example, if he’s a perfectionist, he might be accomplished or people might look up to him. If she doesn’t plan ahead, perhaps she’s mindful of living in the moment.

4. Next, pinpoint the mirror message–the flipside of yourself that you disowned or never developed–that can complete you and make you well rounded. For example, if he’s a perfectionist and you’re more of a procrastinator, the mirror message might be that you need to up your game. If she doesn’t plan ahead and you’re on the fast track, the mirror message might be that you need to put on the brakes and live more in the present.

5. Then, put a check mark by each mirror message trait that you can start to develop within yourself.

6. Give this exercise to your partner and have him or her follow the same steps.

After both of you have completed the exercise, you’ll be surprised at how much more you appreciate the relationship and how much more stress-free it will be. After all, that’s why opposites attract: to bring wholeness and balance to each other. Once you start to look at the differences as a plus, instead of a minus, you’ll inject less stress and more harmony into your relationship.  For more information on how to stress-proof your relationships, you can order my new book, The Smart Guide to Managing Stress, right here on this website.

February is the month of love. A perfect time for you to ask yourself, “Am I truly loving the person I care about?” Chances are if you’re in an intimate relationship, you and your partner speak different “love languages.” No matter how hard you express yourself in English, if your mate only understands Chinese, your ability to communicate and connect is stalled. So it is with the expression of love. Your love language and that of your mate could be as different as English and Chinese. But when you learn each others’ primary love language and speak it, it helps you develop mutual empathy, appreciation, and a strong bond.

Gary Chapman’s Five Languages of Love

1. Words of Affirmation. You communicate appreciation, encouragement, kindness, humility, and empathy–seeing the world from your partner’s point of view.
2.  Quality Time. You spend time together, giving your full attention to your spouse or partner, have meaningful conversations in which you share your deepest feelings and experiences, or enjoy activities in which you both share an interest.
3.  Receiving Gifts. You give and accept money or gifts that represent an expression of love, or you gift yourself to your mate by being emotionally present during a time of need.
4. Acts of Service. You perform an action that you know would please your partner such as cooking a favorite meal, washing the car, or grocery shopping.
5. Physical Touch. You are physically intimate in the form of giving hugs, kissing, holding hands, giving back rubs, or sexual intercourse.

What is Your Love Language?  Take the Quiz

Answering the following questions can give you a clue to your (or your partner’s) love language and a clearer picture of how you receive your mate’s love:

• What does your intimate partner do or fail to do that frustrates you the most or hurts you deeply? (The opposite of what hurts you or frustrates you could indicate your love language).
• What do you need emotionally from your spouse or partner that you don’t get enough of? (Your unmet emotional needs are likely indicators of what would make you feel loved).
• How do you usually show love to your mate? (Because we tend to love our intimate partners in ways we would like to be loved, your way of expressing love is often a clue to what would also make you feel loved).
• What would your idea of an ideal spouse or partner be like?

Answers to these questions can give you a picture of your love language and that of your partner. The next step is to share your discovery and then practice speaking each others’ love languages on a regular basis. What a great Valentine present to give each other! For more tips on developing stress-free relationships and building long-lasting love, you can order a copy of my book, The Smart Guide to Managing Stress on this website.

When you think of high-risk jobs, it’s usually police officers, crane operators, and bomb defusers that come to mind. But even seemingly innocuous work environments—including home offices—can pose a health hazard. Most of us get swept up in the day-to-day minutiae, so you might not ever realize the toll—both physical and mental—your job might be taking on you. Here are just some of the ideas I mention in my new book, The Smart Guide to Managing Stress, due out this March:

New studies show that sitting more than 4 to 6 hours per day puts you at an 80 percent higher risk of dying. Sitting too long reduces blood flow, builds stress, causes weight gain and can lead to Type 2 diabetes and heart disease. Moving around or standing while working greatly reduces this risk. A second study on overtime shows that workers who toil more than 11 hours per day are 67 percent more likely to have a heart attack, metabolic disorders, headaches, and muscle pain.

In combination, workplace threats such as prolonged sitting, loud noises, overtime, unable to turn off your electronic devices at home, bad posture—all can lead to a compromised immune system, heart disease, and other disorders. You may not even realize your stress response is on high alert as you work. That means you are marinated in your own stress juices (cortisol and adrenaline).

The solution? Activate your “rest and digest response” which puts the brakes on your stress response, calms you down, and activates hormones that sustain positive health. How do you do that? Quick and simple stress cushions such as standing, stretching, moving around, walking up and down a flight of stairs (instead of taking the elevator) increases blood flow and oxygen throughout your body, lowering blood pressure and boosting overall mental alertness. Changing your surroundings for just 20 minutes gives your fatigued mind a break and boosts your mood. Getting out in nature (a walk around the block or in a park) or viewing nature from a window calms your fatigued brain. Meditating or contemplating at your desk for just 5 minutes is restorative and refreshes your mind and body.

What about you? Share some of your strategies for outsmarting stress and staying healthy at work.